From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question. WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people. REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?